Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don't Call it a Comeback

No really, don't call it a comeback.

I don't deserve a comeback. I've been a bad, bad blogger. One of the worst. I'm lazy, distracted- and all-around- completely unmotivated. I do not deserve your readership....

And yet, you all voted me 2nd Best Blogger in the CS Indy. I've won second place for doing absolutely nothing! For the second year in a row! Yes! The system works!

Now, before you look into allegations of voter fraud (as well you should), please keep in mind that I did absolutely zero pandering this time around (please refer to the aforementioned "lazy" adjective). That being said, I have no idea how this happened; but I'll take it! And thank you.

So what now? Well, I'm going to post a blog (my first since May...remember: Lazy) before the Blogger Commission strips me of my two consecutive titles for allegations of doping...in this case "doping" means being a dope and having a blog.

Where to begin? Well, let's try to figure out how the hell I won this title this year. As I think I've made perfectly clear, I don't deserve this. The first place award went to a lady who blogs about coupons...well, I'm not even going to touch that. In this economy, you can't win against a coupon lady. You just can't. The only thing more popular than a coupon lady is a sneezing LOL kitten...and if they learn to blog, we are all screwed.

The third place award went to my friend Damian Burford for his blog Mostly Harmless Podcast (check it out at: http://mostlyharmlesspodcast.com/). Did you look at it? Yeah, it's awesome! Way better than this lame piece of self-indulgent tripe that I write. I mean, he interviews bands and has a slick website. Did you see that he interviewed the Toadies? Yeah, the Toadies. What do I do? I drone on and on about shoes, jewelry, random trivia, my cat and my burlescapes. Pretty lame, Milhouse. I can say that without a doubt, Damian should have taken 2nd place and I should have received a dope slap.

So, let's figure out how this lazy, no-getter won 2nd place. I racked my brain and figured out that it comes down to one thing: I take my clothes off in public. Yep. That's the edge that I have. As I see it, not a lot of people read blogs; so when the ballots came out, I think a lot of people were like: "hey doesn't that drunken hot-mess blonde burlesque dancer have a blog? Man is she a trainwreck. Well, I'll put her name down until I think of someone else...Now, who has the best pizza in town?"

Other reasons I will accept for winning 2nd: 1) voter fraud, 2) simultaneous collective amnesia 2) and the existence of Bizarro World.

OK, so we've got the "winning" scandal out of the way. Now, let's catch up on what I've been up to since I last blogged. Oh, yeah. Did you think this blog was NOT going to be self-indulgent? You don't get "Peter Principled" to 2nd place by posting altruistic blogs.

Here's the highlights of the last few months:


  • May: I started an awesome job that I truly enjoy. Yay!
  • Also in May: I was a guest bartender for a day. I am awful at it. I only serve beer and shots and I flat out refuse to make a drink that has more than "2 pours." Again: Lazy. Good thing I found that awesome day-job, because I could never make the mortgage on my subpar bartending skills. (Photo credit: Anthony Graham of Broken Glass photography, who also placed in the Indy Best Of Edition. Check out his website: http://brokenglassphoto.smugmug.com/)







  • June: I managed to use my stage name as a clue in a game of Hangin' With Friends. Yeah, I'm counting that as an accomplishment.

  • July: I performed in the Colorado Burlesque Festival for the 3rd year in a row. I got very drunk the first night there and I don't remember much, but my sources tell me that I performed well and that I had a good time. My sources are fairly reliable.

  • Also in July: I GOT TO HOLD AND BOTTLE FEED A BABY TIGER. THAT'S RIGHT, A MOTHERFUCKING BABY TIGER!!!!!!!
  • August: I made a bacon thong. Please note- I did not make a thong out of real bacon; that's how you get swine flu (*cue rimshot). This thong is made of fabric that looks like bacon. Why make a bacon thong, you ask? Other than the obvious answer of "fucking duh, it's a bacon thong?" Well, the thong was for my Miss Piggy act, of course. 

  • September: I went to Mexico! Playa del Carmen, to be exact. I bought cheap wrinkle cream and tequila, tourista style. And I met a coati. A coati is this:


Isn't he cute? Photo credit: Troy Staat: http://www.facebook.com/troutimagery?fref=ts Check out his stuff! Not only is he wildly talented, but I happen to be sleeping with him....the photographer, not the coati. He happens to be my husband. Again, the photographer, not the coati.

  • Also in September: I got really obsessed with Gangnam Style for about a 2 week period. I bought the song, learned the dance, taught the dance to others, then quickly became un-obsessed with it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I came to the Gangnam Style party about 3 weeks late, but I left they party like a lady, about 2 weeks before the trend got out of hand. If you are still "Gangnam Style-ing," consider this: I think my mom knows how to Gangnam Style. That shit is over. Way over. However.....I will still tag this post with the keywords "Gangnam Style" in order to increase my search results visibility. Hey, I'm lazy AND shady.

  • October: I started a joke, which started the whole world crying...and was voted 2nd place in the CS Indy's Best Of edition.....No take backs!


  • Also in October; about 1 hour ago: I created a hot chocolate drink that is half regular Swiss Miss with marshmallows and half Sugar-Free Swiss Miss. I call this "Half the Guilt Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate." I'm pretty sure this will be my greatest achievement; which is good because I will need something to fall back on once they strip me of my 2nd Place Best Blogger award. 
Well, I guess that's about it. I could take this time to make a bunch of promises about trying harder and being a better blogger and putting your needs first. But we all know that- like a deadbeat ex-boyfriend- I'm just going to borrow your car, ask for money and sleep with your best friend...metaphorically.

In closing, I want to thank you for your votes. Maybe, this was the kick in the pants I needed to start blogging again. Only time will tell:)




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