Wednesday, April 25, 2012

See. Horsies.

Hey all! So, here's the good news: I got a job. Well, to clarify- I have a regular job. I have always considered myself employed...just not gainfully so. Here's the bad news (or even better news for some of you): as of May 7th, I will be back with the M-F, 8-5 crowd. Yay.

That being said, starting May 7th, I will probably not be blog posting regularly. Also, the fabulous "Featured Sale Items of the Day" will most likely cease. Why? Well, if I learned anything from my last time around with trying to work a 40+ hour week, THEN adding on 40+ more hours of jewelry making and blog posting; it burns me out pretty fast.

I will still make jewelry and I will still blog, but it will go back down to a hobby level. You've been warned. So, you may either start to lament or cheer, whichever is appropriate.

But this post isn't about me. It's going to be about seahorses. Because, why not?

To get you properly primed for seahorses, however, I want to share this BRILLIANT bit by comedian Jim Gaffigan about seahorses. Check it:

Funny stuff, right?

Here's what's up with seahorses:

  • Yep, it's true- the male seahorse has the baby. The female inserts her eggs into the male's "brood pouch." The male then goes and hangs on to a piece of coral and gestates. After a few weeks, the male contorts a whole bunch then gives birth to baby seahorses. That is some weird shit.
  • Seahorsies are not "strong swimmers." They much prefer to hang out by coral and relax...or, I guess if you are dude seahorse, you hang out and "gestate."
  • Apparently, there are 53 species of seahorse. They range in size from 1/2 inch to 14 inches. They belong to Syngnathidae, which also includes the pipefish and the seadragon. Wait, what the fuck is a seadragon?
  • Seriously, what the fuck is a seadragon?
  • Most seahorses mate for life. Which makes sense because the female seahorse will want to stick by her baby daddy.
  • Seahorses like to swim in pairs, linked by their tails. That's super adorable.
  • During mating, seahorse utter "musical sounds." Oh, is that what we are calling it now?
  • And, mating is usually done under the full moon. They are some romantic weirdos, aren't they?
  • A group of seahorses is called a herd. Ya' heard.
Well, that's about all I got about seahorses. So, now's the time that I refer you to my Featured Sale Item of the Day...which just happens to be a seahorse necklace. It was, $50, now it's only $42. For today, 4/25/12 only.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Guess What? You ARE a Geek.

As those of you who follow me on facebook and twitter know, I'm producing and performing in a geek themed burlesque called "GeekShow" tomorrow night at the Triple Nickel Tavern ( Well, during the months leading up to the show, I have heard several of my fellow Peaks and Pasties ( proclaim, with some small pride, "I guess I'm just not geeky." Guess what? You are.

Here's the deal- I'm willing to bet that almost everyone reading this blog has some geek in them. And those who can't reconcile with their inner geek are probably too busy hulking out on steroids and trying to figure out how to punch me through the computer. "Blane smash. Me need more Monster Energy Drink* to beat up dorky art girl...." *Replace "Monster Energy Drink" with "Sparks" or "Meth," as you see appropriate.

So basically what I'm saying is that if you don't have a little bit of Geek in you, then there's a good chance that you have a lot of Douchebag in you. And I don't mean this to be condescending. It is just my experience that those with the ability to empathize and care for others, often have interests in the Geek Arts.

And there are so many geeky things out there! One of them is bound to apply to you. Your geek journey begins here. We welcome you.

Here's a few that I can list:

SCI FI: Yes, I believe that this one is at the top of the list. This category includes all space related movies, TV shows and books: Star Wars (of course), Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, X-Files, etc. There are far too many to mention. But, chances are, if you are into...I mean, really into Sci Fi, then you have some geek in you.

TECHIES/COMPUTER DORKS: Yes, we all know the stereotypical "computer nerd." He/she might be an IT person, programmer, or weird manacle genius. But, I believe you are also a Techy geek if you look forward to the new Apple iphone, ipad, i-whatever. If you HAVE to pick up every single "gadgety" thing you see in a store, then you are probably a geek. AND, you don't even have to know a lot about computers to be a Techy. My husband has to have every new gadget available, but I will ruin him if we are put head to head on a spreadsheet building competition. In fact, I will ruin you all.  But this isn't about me. Bottom line, you don't have to write code to be a Techy geek. Most likely, if you are a consumer, then you are a techy.

COMIC BOOKS: Oh yeah. This is a big one. Liking almost ALL comic books makes you a geek...except liking Archie comic books...that makes you a serial killer. I only need two words to prove my point that comic books are geeky: COMIC CON. (And yes, I know that Comic Con isn't just about comic books, but cool-out nerds...I'm trying to help you). Comic Con brings me to a very good point: chances are that if what you are into has an annual convention, it is probably geeky.

REN FAIR/LORD OF THE RINGS/GAME OF THRONES/ANYTHING MEDIEVAL: I'm guessing that I caught a whole bunch of you here. If what you are into involves dragons, pan flute music, chain mail, wizardry and elves/imps, then "Huzzah!" you are a geek.

D&D: Do I really need to explain why this is geeky?

STEAMPUNK: Yep. It involves history, technology, time-travel and costumes. Face it. That shit is super geeky. Now, take your goggles off...I know you can't read properly with those on.

GAMERS: So, I'm going to wager that the people I didn't get with "Medieval" and "Steampunk" will have to concede to this category. Do you play World of Warcraft? Halo? Or whatever new game it is that keeps you from leaving the house. Hi, Geek.

MISC: Here's where I really get you all- if you are VERY into one thing and are incredibly "schooled" on the subject and it places you a little bit out of the mainstream, then I welcome you to the Geek Alliance. These geeky subjects might include, but are not limited to: theatre, film (my favorite), science, math, philosophy, grammar (my second favorite), role play, cosplay (furries? anime? you know you dig it), historical re-inactment, stamps and/or money collecting, literature, Harry Potter, vampires (aka Dark Shadows), horror, antiques, etc. Basically, anything that takes up a great deal of your time....and you are slightly ashamed to admit that you enjoy it so much.

So there it is. Are you a Geek? If so, please come to our GeekShow tomorrow night! If you are not a Geek, then you should probably go back to the set of The Jersey Shore....

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Goose, Gander, Gaggle

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." For the longest time, I thought this expression meant "what's good for one person is good for the whole group." This is NOT what it means. A "gander" is a male goose. So, what this expression means is: "what's good for the woman is good for the man." Hmmm. I realize now that I was confusing the term "gander" with the term "gaggle," which means a group of geese.  "Gaggle"/"Gander."  Whoever the smartypants was who decided on geese terms should have chose words that are less similar and less confusing.

The disturbing thing about this aforementioned rant is that I think there was one person in etymologic history whose job it was to make up goose terms, all with the malevolent intentions of confusing me. I am not a rational person.

Well, I think you know where we are going with this blog post: Asshole word-maker-uppers. Just kidding. We are going to talk about geese, silly.

  • Here's the deal- I think geese are totally cute and I love all animals, but it has also been my experience that geese are dicks. This fact backs me up: Geese protect their young. Which means they will charge you if you encroach on their homestead. So, I guess geese aren't really dicks, they are just being good parents.
  • Geese, more specifically Canadian Geese, eh; mate for life. But, if their mate dies, the living half of the couple will seek out a new partner. 
  • Geese prefer fertilized grass over unfertilized grass, which is why they are often found on golf courses. That and the fact that they are awesome golfers. You are now picturing geese with golf pants on, aren't you? And it is amazing, isn't it?
  • Migratory geese have a strong urge to return to their place of birth. Sometimes this requires them flying up to 3,000 miles to do so.
  • If they are in a hurry, migratory geese can fly up to 60 mph. Whoa.
  • So, why do they fly in that V formation? It helps reduce drag. So, if one of them falls out of formation, they instantly feel the wind resistance and get back into formation where it's easier to cruise. Pretty smart for a silly goose.
  • If I had a pet goose, I would not name it Goose, I would name it Maverick. Just to be tricky.
So, there you go. And take a gander at this necklace:

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Hangover

I'm not quite sure what happened this weekend, but I do know that Sunday I had to endure a DAY LONG HANGOVER. I'm not joking. My headache lasted from minute I woke up until I went to bed. I actually thought for a second that I must have received some sort of head injury the night before. Ugh.

And here's the kicker: I didn't drink that much.

Which leads me to one of two conclusions: 1) Someone slipped me a Mickey or 2) I'm getting old.

Since I was drinking with friends and trusted loved ones, option number 1 is not really a possibility, so it must be option number 2. Blurg. It's so gross when old people get drunk.

And why was I imbibing so much you ask? Well, I was performing in a burlesque show at Stargazer's Theater in Colorado Springs. Peaks and Pasties (the burly-Q troupe I belong to) was lucky enough to host the Dangerous Curves Ahead Tour out of NYC. The tour features such fabulous performers as Minnie Tonka, Gigi LaFemme, Clams Casino, Anita Cookie, and my personal favorite, Darlinda Just Darlinda. I was truly honored and humbled to share the stage with such phenomenal talent. Check them out at

But back to my hangover. You see, I had no intentions of getting super drunk....but, we had a wonderful cocktail waitress backstage who was so quick to bring me beers that I thought it would be rude not to order more and more from her. So, really, it's her fault. Also, I was drinking Blue Moon (which has loads of sugar) instead of my usual Newcastle or Guinness.  So, it's also the Blue Moon's fault.

Do you see how I'm not taking any credit for my hangover? In self-help speak, I believe they call that "denial."

Anyway, I don't want to make this blog all about my let's make it about preventing hangovers. Here are some options that I've found help alleviate and in some cases, prevent hangovers:

1. Zaca Recovery Patch. ( I've tried this once and I must say that it worked pretty well. I have friends who swear by it. It's just a tiny patch that you stick to your arm or lower back before you go out drinking. Apparently, it's loaded with vitamins and some sort of anti-hangover magic.
2. Pedialyte. Drink this before you go to bed. I suggest pairing it with a multi-vitamin, if your stomach can handle it. I does make a difference when you wake up in the morning.
3. Water (aka Poor Man's Pedialyte). It's old timey, but effective. Drink a full glass of water before you go to bed. AND, you should alternate water with alcoholic beverage while you are drinking, but who has the foresight to do that?
4. Don't drink. Wait, how did that make the list. Sure, in bizarro world that might work....
5. A Super hot bath. This one is reserved for the next day. So, let's say that you forgot all the preventative measures and you are now living in a self-induced hell. This one doesn't cure your hangover, but it really does help. My theory is that when you submerge your self in really hot water, then you start to sweat out all those pesky toxins that are keeping you down. I also add lavender oil and a few black tea bags to the bath water. The lavender oil helps keep nausea at bay and the tea gives you just a little bit of caffeine. If you opt for this option, make sure you have a glass of water by your bath tub. You will be sweating a lot, so you need to keep your body hydrated.
6. Liquids. Anything that has water in it. I personally find green tea to be effective, but fruit juice, gatorade, etc. can be good as well. But, fruit juice and gatorade are loaded with sugar, which could cause you to sugar crash and eventually make you feel worse. I also recommend luke warm water. It sounds gross, but your body absorbs warm liquids easier than cold ones, so this will get you hydrated faster.
7. Aspirin. Again, old-timey, but effective.
8. A cute animal. It's pretty amazing what an adorable pet can do for your feelings of shame, regret, and embarrassment. Most animals don't judge you.
9. A heating pad. For that pounding head of yours.
10. Hair of the Dog. So, you've tried all these things and you still feel like the south end of a north bound dog? Well, when in doubt, just give up. A bloody Mary usually does the trick. However, the side effect of this is that you just get drunk again and you end up with another hangover the next day...and eventually a huge drinking problem and possibly cirrhosis of the liver. But, you got rid of that pesky hangover, didn't you?

I guess now's the point in which I mention that I am not a medical professional and none of my advice should ever be taken seriously. Ever. By anyone.

I also know that there are many other ways to prevent/cure a hangover, some of which are not legal. So I left those off the blog, so don't write me and "say what about ______ ?" This ain't Studio 54.   

OK, I got the CYA out of the way. Now to finish off my blog with a popular internet meme so this will show up in SEO's.....

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Eiffel Tower

Well, we've come to the day of the week where I blatantly try to promote a piece of jewelry while I shroud it under the guise of "educational fact sharing." Disgusting, I know. But, hey- this is my day job. Look at it as though you are sitting through a time share pitch and if you stick it through, then you get a free night's stay. Except, with this blog the "free night's stay" is "free knowledge." And I promise you will feel less dirty and used after reading this blog then you would had you sat through a time share spiel.

So, grab a cup of coffee....or for today's blog, a cafe aulait, and let's talk about the Eiffel Tower!

  • The Eiffel Tower was named after showman, architect and contractor Gustave Eiffel. It was finished in March of 1889. It was built for the World's Fair to show that iron was stronger and lighter than stone....That's a pretty big way to go to prove a point.
  • Apparently, the tower shrinks 6 inches in the winter. Mmm hmm. I've heard that excuse before....
  • The tower was almost demolished in 1909, but it was saved due to it's use as a telecommunications tower.
  • To prevent rust, the tower is painted every 7 years. And you thought repainting your dining room was rough.
  • There are over 100 security cameras installed on the Eiffel Tower. C'est La Vie.
  • Here's something for you science nerds: The air contained in a cylinder that could hold the Eiffel Tower would weigh more than the Eiffel Tower itself. Huh? The explanation to this involves math and something called "cubic metres," so I'm really not going to go into it.
  • Around the base of the Eiffel Tower are the names of important French scientists, including Daguerre (the father of photography).
  • The architect, Gustave Eiffel, also created the frame for the Statue of Liberty. 
  • Between 1925 and 1934, the car company Citron, use the Eiffel Tower as a billboard...which just seems weird and wrong to me.
  • In 1912, a man designed a "parachute-coat," which he decided to test out by jumping off the Eiffel Tower. It did not end well. Long story short: parachute-coats are not a current fashion staple.
And, here's the necklace that inspired today's blog post:

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Yesterday I decided to do some in depth cleaning of my craft room. After doing so, I ended up with a pile of random objects and a realization: you can tell a lot about a person based on the forgotten-about crap that they have in their craft room. I thought I'd share a few of the objects that I found with you. Feel free to come up with your own personality assessment of me. And give me a heads up if you've decided that your assessment warrants a call to the authorities. Or my mom.

Here's what I found...I'm going to try to go in order of time period...If I can remember correctly.

First up:
This is a photo of my friend Jozanna and myself at our college graduation. I can't seem to find my diploma, so I'm hoping this off-centered, faded, random photo will serve as proof that I graduated college.  I'm pretty sure this is a legally binding document. Also, please note how flattering the graduation gowns are...


This is my "Los Angeles Collage." In the top left corner is my 20/20 Video lanyard. On the left side is my victim's report from when I was held up at 20/20 Video. And on the bottom left corner are the bus tokens that I never used after being too scared of the L.A. public after said robbery. I like to look at this little collage as the reasons I left L.A.

Moving on:
Charlie's Angels sticker and Rolling Stones patch. There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with both these things. I can't explain the Charlie's Angels thing and luckily that has passed. I'm still pretty obsessed with The Stones, though.

Uh huh, and?:

This doesn't have much significance, except that The Detroit Cobras are one of my favorite bands. And I thought it was weird to find a C.D. With the onset of MP3's, this might as well be an 8-track. But, you can't take a picture of an MP3.....

Um, OK...what else?

Well, it's not all depressing victim's reports and cheesy Charlie's Angels stickers. Here's a nice romantic collection- pics from our wedding, pesos from our honeymoon and Troy's first anniversary card to me. Aw. See, I have a soft side. It's not ALL sarcasm and cynicism.

And here's something completely random:

This is the image that sparked the idea for the tattoos on the backs of my legs. Now you know.

OK, that was boring.

How about this:

So, for a BRIEF moment in time, I was really into collecting vintage travel ephemera.

Um, that was almost as boring as the damn cats photo.  I apologize. Let's try this:

I met one of my heroes, John Waters! Yay!

OK, getting better.....

Here's something:
What the what? I do want to clarify that this was given to me. But, I can't explain why I kept it for so long. I don't think this counts as probable cause....

Then I found this:
I found these RIGHT after the True Crime cards. Sort of a palate cleanser, I guess. I'm not quite sure how old this bar of soap and towelettes are, so I can't testify to their sin-washing abilities....

But, I might need them after this:

That top item, my friends, is a vintage Wells Fargo coffin tag. Yep, Wells Fargo used to be in the mortuary business. That bottom thing is a belt buckle blank. I think you know where I'm going with this. Flash forward to this morning- these two items plus a little bit of JB Weld and I now have the most awesomely macabre belt buckle. Squeal!

So that's what I found. Now, before you go crazy on the psychiatric evaluations, I implore you to look into your own long forgotten drawers and see what you find. You might realize that you are almost as troubled as me:)

Want more info on me? Go to: You can also find my handmade jewelry at

Monday, April 9, 2012

Weekend. Weakend.

It has come to my attention that in order to truly call myself a blogger, then I actually need to blog more than just once a week.  "Well, why do we all have to suffer in order for you to call yourself a blogger?" you might ask. Well, I don't know. All I can say is that life is not fair, as proven by the existence of Sophia Vergara and Christina Hendricks (I mean, seriously; just when I get down to a minimal level of self-loathing and bad body image, I see one of those two on TV).

Back to me being a "blogger." I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to write about myself, or some sort of expertise that I have......*crickets*

OK, I've wracked my brain and I think I'm just going to write about my past weekend; mainly to make you feel good about the much more fun weekend you had.

I'm going to start off my weekend with Thursday night. Not because I'm such a social darling that I had something going on every night. Nope. Thursday night was the only night that I actually did any sort socializing. So, Thursday night I did this:
Before you jump to conclusions, I didn't go pants-less line dancing at a country bar. I was pants-less burlesque performing at a biker bar...which makes it way more classy. To elaborate, I was performing with the Peaks and Pasties half-time show during the Three Bad Jacks show at Southside Johnny's. I thought my performance was going well...UNTIL a couple just got up and started slow-dancing right in front of the stage. I repeat, a couple got up and started slow-dancing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MOTHERF*CKING STAGE.  During my performance. For those of you who are saying "what's wrong with that?," please stop reading now and go find an How To Be An Even Bigger Assh*le blog to read. Seriously, getting up and dancing right in front of a burlesque performance is like getting up and telling jokes right in front of a stand up comedian. I really didn't think my performance was THAT boring that this couple thought they should show me how it's done.  Blurg.

So that was Thursday night.

Friday morning, the hubcap (for those who don't know, that's slang for "husband." My friend Don introduced me to this term and I love it) and I decided that we would go to Ikea. I feel like this sentence needs clarification as well. First, my hubcap is a teamster and he get's Good Friday off, that's why I'm considering Friday morning as part of the weekend. And second, Ikea is kind of a big deal because we live in Colorado Springs and just got our first Ikea in Denver like a year ago. And I was taking my husband to an Ikea for the first time....little did he know it would most likely be his last.

We made the 60 min trek to the Swedish cheap furniture and housewares store around noon-ish, so we got there just in time for a lunch of their "famous" Swedish Meatballs:

My review: Meh. But, you have to try it once, right? Now, I want you to know that I am not an Ikea novice. I used to live in LA and my tiny apartment owed the majoring of it's lighting and seating to the Burbank Ikea. In fact, it was at the Burbank Ikea that I saw a very young Timothy Olyphant...some 13+ years ago. I'm not including that info to brag (well, maybe a little bit), but rather to establish that I have been to an Ikea and I really should have known better.....I think 13 years away from anything clouds your judgement.

Let me first start by saying that for some reason I decided to wear high heel boots. Clearly, I forgot about the size of the Swedish Monster. About 1/8 of the way through, my feet were whimpering.

I also have never been shopping there with a better half. Surprisingly, the Hubcap and I survived without any sort of marriage-ending housewares squabbles. I witnessed some other couples there who weren't so lucky.  The whole time I just kept remembering the recent 30 Rock where Liz Lemmon and her new boyfriend go to Ikea together to pick out a table. It ends in tears.

We did ok. And we didn't buy anything that we had to assemble, so that's a win. Here's a couple of noteworthy things we bought:
This is an adorable Octopus laundry hanger. I chose to use it for storing my hats. I think that was quite clever on my part. We also got this:
Not the purse...the Cat Butt wall hanger. Yep. I'm a grown up.

After we got done with Ikea, we decided to venture over to H&M, another relatively low-priced retailer that has been around in major cities for decades, but is just now coming to Colorado. Essentially, it's cheap hipster clothing. And while the hubcap and I are cheap, we are not hipster. The store was packed and slightly disheveled. I didn't have any luck there at all, but my feet were throbbing at this point, so I wasn't willing to put in the "shopping effort" required at stores like this.

Next we decided to get away from the hipster chains and start shopping local. I'm so glad we did. We hit up S. Broadway in Denver. If you haven't shopped this area, do it. Right away, hubcap and I felt back in our element amongst the vintage and handmade stores. My favorite was a place called Sewn ( They had really great, one of a kind, handmade items. I also picked up this little gem on our Broadway shopping adventure:
That is a dinosaur fossil hair comb. It's prehysterical! I don't remember the store I got this one at, but the staff was incredibly friendly.

So, to sum up Friday, and perhaps everyday going forward; shop small and local. It will be much easier on the psyche.

Saturday was pretty much the same, but involving Colorado Springs thrift stores. During this outing, however, I realized 2 truths: 1) There is a 90% chance that James Taylor will be playing on the thrift store radio and 2) No matter what section of the store you are in, some old biddy will follow you and make a beeline for whatever item you are looking at.

Well, that was pretty much my weekend. I know. Not even really worth writing a blog about, so I do apologize to the 4 of you who read this.  Hope your weekends were much more enthralling than mine:)

Oh, and shameless plug time, here's my shop:
and here's my website: