Thursday, January 26, 2012

I've Got an Eye on You

My favorite doctor is my eye doctor. I think that I like him because he makes me feel like every answer I give is correct; even if I'm clearly blind as a bat. I like people who humor me. Also, his name is Pierre. I like that as well. You don't meet very many people named Pierre in Colorado Springs, CO.

If only I could find a dentist that I felt the same about; but that's a different blog all together.

Back on point: They are the "windows to the soul," if they are Irish, "they smile," and Bette Davis had such great ones, someone wrote a song about them...Eyes!

  • Guess what? Your mom was wrong; sitting too close to the television WILL NOT damage your eyes. Studies actually show that kids can focus up close without eyestrain better than adults. However, sitting too close to the television while watching the show Kendra, WILL damage your brain.
  • Your eye blinks about 27,397 times a day. Put that little fact in your back pocket for the next time someone calls you lazy.
  • The number one cause of blindness in America is diabetes. I have absolutely nothing snarky to say about this.
  • Sailors used to think that wearing a gold earring would improve their eyesight. Sailors also thought that manatees were mermaids, so you see how well that little theory held up.
  • In general, people read from a computer screen 25% slower than from paper... don't worry, I'll wait for you to catch up.
  • You know how your nose gets all runny when you are crying? Well, that's because your tears are draining into your nasal cavity. I bet you did not know that. And if you did, you either have medical training or you read the same useless information on the web that I do.
  • The space between your eyebrows, right above the bridge of the nose,  is called the Glabella. Mark my words: some stupid celebrity couple is going to name their kid Glabella in 2012. 
How'd you like this blog? Did I blind you with knowledge?! Want a commemorative belt buckle to remind you of the day you read this amazing blog? Well, here you go..... (oh, and it's on sale for today, 1/26/12, only).

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Wiki-Keys to My Wiki-Heart

Well, I was going to blog yesterday, but as most of you know, Wikipedia was blacked-out yesterday in protest to SOPA. I totally support their choice and I am glad that they took a firm stand on the issue. I too blacked-out as protest to SOPA...of course, my black-out was alcohol induced, not website related.

Anyway, back to my point.  I, like most college students and lazy people, rely heavily on Wikipedia for my fact finding; which is why there was no blog yesterday.  I mean, what am I supposed to do without it? Crack open a book? What am I, Amish?

So, I apologize for the delay. Here's the blog that is nowhere near worth the wait.....

Ever thought about keyholes? No? Me neither, until today when I had to come up with a subject for today's blog.

  • First up, "keyholes" are apparently called "keyways," according to Wikipedia. What? That's bullshit, Wikipedia! Wait, I'm sorry, Wikipedia. I love you, come back. Don't leave me again. We can work this out. You don't have to black-out, baby.
  • Most traditional "keyways" (see, Wiki-baby, I can change. I love you) are of the "warded lock" variety. Simply put, this is a keyhole (way) that uses a set of obstructions that prevent the lock from turning unless the appropriate key is used. The warded lock is the most ancient lock design that is still in use today. However, a cleverly made skeleton key can open a warded lock.
  • Speaking of, skeleton keys are so named because their shape is reduced to just the essential parts. It's the skeleton key's simplicity that allows it to slip through the warded lock obstructions.
  • Which brings me to lock pickers. Lock picking isn't just for seedy 1940's movie criminals, see. It's actually a sport of sorts. It requires a great deal of reasoning and dexterity. There's even a website called Lock Picking 101, which is both cool and scary.
  • Here's something: in the Medieval Spain, neighborhood watchmen, instead of the homeowner, held the keys to every house in the area. When the homeowner came home and needed to be let in the house, they would clap their hands to get the watchman's attention to let them into their own house. Talk about bureaucracy.
  • The oldest lock was found near Nineveh (which was an ancient Assyrian city on the banks of the Tigris. Thank you, Wikipedia ) and is over 4,000 years old. They should take that lock to Antiques Roadshow. 
And here's another fun fact: This particular keyhole was $48, but is on sale today, 1/19/12, for just $40. Yes!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Butter. Fly.

I'm getting to that age where I'm starting to get somewhat forgetful. As the days go by, a lot have pertinent information in my head has been replaced by 30 Rock quotes and Beastie Boys lyrics...and sometimes I don't know which is which.

That being said, I'm going to blog about butterflies. I don't think I've written about them before. I know that I wrote about moths and bees and various other insects, but I don't think I've delved into the world of butterflies.  If I have, than please forgive this doddering, feeble-minded old lady. You too will be on the wrong side of thirty someday, remember that.

  • First up, the name: Butter. Fly. What is up with all that? Well according to the Online Etymology Dictionary, it's just what you think it is...well, sort of. The name comes from the old english "Buttorfleoge" (I dare you to work that word into your next social outing); which has evolved to "Butterfly."  The origins aren't quite clear, but it's suspected that it might have to do with the old notion that insects consume butter or milk when left uncovered. Also, people thought butterflies were witches disguised as insects trying to steal your butter. Old timey people blamed EVERYTHING on witches. Another school of thought is that the "Butter" part of Butterfly referred to the color of the insect's excrement. Ew. And a third, less imaginative theory is that the "Butter" refers to the pale yellow color of many butterflies' wings. Personally, I'm going with the butter-stealing witches theory. It just makes the most sense to me.
  • Butterflies range from 1/8 inch to 12 inches. A 12 inch butterfly has got to be a witch.
  • They have short life spans. The longest living butterfly variety is the Brimstone Butterfly, which can live up to 10 months...but that's only because they made a deal with the devil (Get it? Brimstone? Ah, never mind. It's so lame when old people make jokes.)
  • Butterflies, like Kardashians, can be found on every continent except Antarctica. Unlike Kardashians, however, people actually enjoy seeing butterflies.
  • Caterpillars grow crazy fast. If a 7 pound human baby grew at the same rate, it would weigh 189,000 pounds by adulthood. So, next time you get hung up about eating that extra piece of cheesecake, just remember: at least you're not a caterpillar.
  • Butterflies use their colorful patterns to blend into the environment as a defense mechanism. Other types of butterflies have toxic chemicals in their bodies, and most predators have learned that their color variations represent toxicity. Pretty rad, huh?
  • The biggest threat to butterflies? You guessed it- humans. We keep fucking with their habitat. Because we are assholes.
Feel bad about being a human? Well, don't be so hard on yourself. We all have our faults. Why don't you just buy this necklace to take your mind off of things. It's on sale today.....

Friday, January 6, 2012

No Sh*t...Shut Your Mouth! I'm Just Talking About Sherlock

Well, today I'm getting off to a late start. I've spent all morning and early afternoon submitting resumes. Yep. I'm back on the job hunt. And it is grim, my friends. Of course, I'm being VERY picky about where I apply. After spending 10 years in, I mean- an office job- I'm trying to make damn sure I don't get stuck in an un-inspiring environment again. What I'm finding is that I need to read between the lines of each job posting to pick up clues about the potential employer. "Great Entry Level Position" means "Low Pay." "Fun Environment" usually means just the opposite: "Not A Very Fun Environment." "Room for Promotion" means "After We Get You Trained, We Will Pile On More Tasks...For The Same Pay." In short, this job search is making me feel like a detective. Like Sherlock Holmes!

How's that for a segue? Too bad no one's hiring for a "Segue Writer"...not to be confused with a Segway to love those homophones:)

So let's get down to the dirty, sexy facts on Sherlock Holmes....I'm also available for copy writing gigs.

  • Holmes was introduced to audiences in 1887 in a short story called "A Study in Scarlet" which was published in Beeton's Christmas Annual. In this story, Holmes is introduced to Watson, who was in London looking for lodging.
  • What about the weapons? Well, every good main character has some and Holmes is no exception. Throughout his "storied" career, Holmes has carried a cane, pistols, a sword, and a riding crop (kinky!).
  • The rumors are true. Holmes was a coke head (which makes the movie casting of Robert Downey Jr. really interesting). He also dug on morphine. But, at the time both cocaine and morphine were legal....of course this didn't stop people from getting addicted. AND, it was common practice to try to cure opiate addiction with cocaine. This is kind of like suggesting that Lindsay Lohan should be Owen Wilson's drug counselor....
  • Holmes was a failure. Well, to be clear, Arthur Conan Doyle's first two short stories that introduced Sherlock Holmes were failures. But, eventually popularity picked up.
  • The phrase "Elementary, my dear Watson" never appeared in the books. I suspect that his is a mis-translation that got started by cocaine-morphine addicted readers.
  • The word "Sherlock" means "blonde." But most of the actors who have played Holmes have been brunette...Owen Wilson, are you listening? Now's your chance, man!
Well, these are just a few random facts. I'm sure Holmes fans have much more extensive knowledge...but what do you expect from an unemployed segue writer?  

Anyway, it just so happens that today's blog post corresponds with today's featured sale item...It's elementary, my dear Watson:)