Monday, November 5, 2012

Vote. Seriously. Vote.

Ah yes, we've come to the point where I use my privilege as part of the "liberal media" to encourage you to vote.


Do it.

If you don't vote, you are an idiot.

Sexy people vote.

People who don't vote tend to have weird scabs and smell funny.

Don't think your vote counts? Due to a matter beyond my control, I didn't vote once. It was during the 2000 election. I think we all know how that turned out. *shudder*

So I say to you once again: Vote.

Did I motherf*cking stutter?


OK, I think I got my point across; so, onto the blog. I'm not going to tell you how I'm voting...
but O I'm sure B you can A read between M the lines A :)

What I am going to do is present you with some interesting election themed facts, to get you excited for voting on Nov. 6th. Yay!

  • So, why is Election Day always the Tuesday on or after Nov. 2? Well, November was chosen because it's after the harvest. Tuesday was chosen because old-timey people usually had to travel a whole day to go vote and most people couldn't travel on Sunday's because of religious reasons. And it couldn't be on Tuesday Nov. 1 because that's All Saints Day.
  • The presidents who won the most states? 1).Richard Nixon. Yep, Tricky Dick carried 49 states, all but Massachusetts. And 2). Ronald Reagan- he won all but Minnesota. Ya betcha.
  • Ok, what's the deal with the Donkey and the Elephant? Well, not much really. These symbols were both created by 1800's cartoonist Thomas Nash for Harper's Bazaar. That's really about all I could find...without reading, like, a WHOLE wikipedia article. Pshht.
  • "But more importantly," you ask "which president had a pet alligator?" That would be John Quincy Adams and Herbert Hoover. Other weird presidential pets include: Thomas Jefferson's two bear cubs, Teddy Roosevelt's badger, William Henry and Benjamin Harrison's goats and Martin Van Buren's 2 two tiger cubs.
  • James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand and Ancient Greek with the other. George W. Bush could barely read/write/speak English.
  • A presidential candidate must earn at least 270 electoral votes, otherwise the president is decided by the House of Representatives.
  • The 2008 election was the only election in which 2 sitting senators were running against each other. It was also the only election in which BOTH candidates were born outside of the continuous United States- Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and John McCain was born on a US naval base in the Panama Canal Zone. Take that, Birthers.
  • Some interesting presidential nicknames that could double as porn titles- James Monroe: "The Last Cocked Hat," John Quincy Adams: "Old Man Eloquent," Zachary Taylor: "Old Rough and Ready," James Buchanan: "Old Buck," Calvin Coolidge: "Silent Cal," and Harry S. Truman: "Give 'Em Hell, Harry."  Old-timey people were pervs.
  • The tallest prez was Lincoln at 6'4", the shortest was Madison at 5'4". Daniel Day Lewis is playing Lincoln in the upcoming word on if Tom Cruise has accepted the role of Madison yet.
  • Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital. Wait, what? Really? Where/how were the previous presidents born? Weird.
  • Speaking of Carter, he was the 6th cousin of Richard Nixon. Also weird.
  • Gerald Ford- yes that Gerald Ford- was a fashion model in the 1940's. He even graced the cover of Cosmopolitan. And, a little known fact- he was the first to do the infamous Burt Reynold's pose. OK, that part's not true...just seeing if you are paying attention.
  • Warren G. Harding once gambled and lost all the white house china in one hand of cards...I guarantee you that a woman president wouldn't pull that kind of crap.
  • Speaking of women, the 19th Amendment (women's right to vote) was signed into law on August 26, 1920. Some countries that had women's suffrage before the US: Tasmania, Norway, Sweden, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Lithuania, Rhodesia, Estonia and name a few. Yeah, motherf*cking Latvia gave women the right to vote before the US.
  • The 15th Amendment gave the right to vote to African Americans in 1870, but it wasn't until 1965 that congress passed the Voting Right Act, which outlawed discriminatory voting practices. It was about damn time.
People have fought long and hard to secure the right to vote. I think you owe it to them to get down to the polls and perform your civic duty. I'm so serious about this that I'm not even going to make a childish joke about my use of the word "duty."

I'd like to end with a quote from FranklinD. Roosevelt: "Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themselves and the only way they could do this is by not voting."

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don't Call it a Comeback

No really, don't call it a comeback.

I don't deserve a comeback. I've been a bad, bad blogger. One of the worst. I'm lazy, distracted- and all-around- completely unmotivated. I do not deserve your readership....

And yet, you all voted me 2nd Best Blogger in the CS Indy. I've won second place for doing absolutely nothing! For the second year in a row! Yes! The system works!

Now, before you look into allegations of voter fraud (as well you should), please keep in mind that I did absolutely zero pandering this time around (please refer to the aforementioned "lazy" adjective). That being said, I have no idea how this happened; but I'll take it! And thank you.

So what now? Well, I'm going to post a blog (my first since May...remember: Lazy) before the Blogger Commission strips me of my two consecutive titles for allegations of this case "doping" means being a dope and having a blog.

Where to begin? Well, let's try to figure out how the hell I won this title this year. As I think I've made perfectly clear, I don't deserve this. The first place award went to a lady who blogs about coupons...well, I'm not even going to touch that. In this economy, you can't win against a coupon lady. You just can't. The only thing more popular than a coupon lady is a sneezing LOL kitten...and if they learn to blog, we are all screwed.

The third place award went to my friend Damian Burford for his blog Mostly Harmless Podcast (check it out at: Did you look at it? Yeah, it's awesome! Way better than this lame piece of self-indulgent tripe that I write. I mean, he interviews bands and has a slick website. Did you see that he interviewed the Toadies? Yeah, the Toadies. What do I do? I drone on and on about shoes, jewelry, random trivia, my cat and my burlescapes. Pretty lame, Milhouse. I can say that without a doubt, Damian should have taken 2nd place and I should have received a dope slap.

So, let's figure out how this lazy, no-getter won 2nd place. I racked my brain and figured out that it comes down to one thing: I take my clothes off in public. Yep. That's the edge that I have. As I see it, not a lot of people read blogs; so when the ballots came out, I think a lot of people were like: "hey doesn't that drunken hot-mess blonde burlesque dancer have a blog? Man is she a trainwreck. Well, I'll put her name down until I think of someone else...Now, who has the best pizza in town?"

Other reasons I will accept for winning 2nd: 1) voter fraud, 2) simultaneous collective amnesia 2) and the existence of Bizarro World.

OK, so we've got the "winning" scandal out of the way. Now, let's catch up on what I've been up to since I last blogged. Oh, yeah. Did you think this blog was NOT going to be self-indulgent? You don't get "Peter Principled" to 2nd place by posting altruistic blogs.

Here's the highlights of the last few months:

  • May: I started an awesome job that I truly enjoy. Yay!
  • Also in May: I was a guest bartender for a day. I am awful at it. I only serve beer and shots and I flat out refuse to make a drink that has more than "2 pours." Again: Lazy. Good thing I found that awesome day-job, because I could never make the mortgage on my subpar bartending skills. (Photo credit: Anthony Graham of Broken Glass photography, who also placed in the Indy Best Of Edition. Check out his website:

  • June: I managed to use my stage name as a clue in a game of Hangin' With Friends. Yeah, I'm counting that as an accomplishment.

  • July: I performed in the Colorado Burlesque Festival for the 3rd year in a row. I got very drunk the first night there and I don't remember much, but my sources tell me that I performed well and that I had a good time. My sources are fairly reliable.

  • August: I made a bacon thong. Please note- I did not make a thong out of real bacon; that's how you get swine flu (*cue rimshot). This thong is made of fabric that looks like bacon. Why make a bacon thong, you ask? Other than the obvious answer of "fucking duh, it's a bacon thong?" Well, the thong was for my Miss Piggy act, of course. 

  • September: I went to Mexico! Playa del Carmen, to be exact. I bought cheap wrinkle cream and tequila, tourista style. And I met a coati. A coati is this:

Isn't he cute? Photo credit: Troy Staat: Check out his stuff! Not only is he wildly talented, but I happen to be sleeping with him....the photographer, not the coati. He happens to be my husband. Again, the photographer, not the coati.

  • Also in September: I got really obsessed with Gangnam Style for about a 2 week period. I bought the song, learned the dance, taught the dance to others, then quickly became un-obsessed with it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I came to the Gangnam Style party about 3 weeks late, but I left they party like a lady, about 2 weeks before the trend got out of hand. If you are still "Gangnam Style-ing," consider this: I think my mom knows how to Gangnam Style. That shit is over. Way over. However.....I will still tag this post with the keywords "Gangnam Style" in order to increase my search results visibility. Hey, I'm lazy AND shady.

  • October: I started a joke, which started the whole world crying...and was voted 2nd place in the CS Indy's Best Of edition.....No take backs!

  • Also in October; about 1 hour ago: I created a hot chocolate drink that is half regular Swiss Miss with marshmallows and half Sugar-Free Swiss Miss. I call this "Half the Guilt Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate." I'm pretty sure this will be my greatest achievement; which is good because I will need something to fall back on once they strip me of my 2nd Place Best Blogger award. 
Well, I guess that's about it. I could take this time to make a bunch of promises about trying harder and being a better blogger and putting your needs first. But we all know that- like a deadbeat ex-boyfriend- I'm just going to borrow your car, ask for money and sleep with your best friend...metaphorically.

In closing, I want to thank you for your votes. Maybe, this was the kick in the pants I needed to start blogging again. Only time will tell:)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

It's Not THAT Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

Today marks my last day as self-employed person. Tomorrow at 8am, I will go back to the 8-5 world of multi-line telephones, MS Office suite and most importantly- a regular paycheck. Am I sad? Sure, a little. Regrets? Yep, tons. Would I do it all over again if I knew how hard it was going to be? Not a chance.

"What," you say, "I thought you were following your dream?" Yeah, I was. But I was just following A dream; I've still got about 146 other dreams to tackle. And, also, my boss was an idiot.

The savvy reader will realize that the idiot boss I am talking about is myself. I was awful. I had no idea how to run a company. I completely violated about every single OSHA regulation; I worked my employee non stop about 12-14 hours a day, denied her lunch breaks, blamed her for my failures, accused her of not working hard enough, and said awful, demoralizing things about her. All the time, paying her about 3 cents a day. Boys II Men were right about a lot of things, except this: It's not really that hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I have truly realized that self-employment is most likely not for me. Not now anyway.

But, I did learn a few things. And, if you are interested in self-employment, here's a few tips:

  • DO NOT LISTEN TO THE NAYSAYERS. Don't pay attention to them. Instead, listen to and invest yourself in the positive people in your life who give you encouraging support. But, there will be naysayers and it's good to identify them right away. They break down like this: 
    • 1) The Well Meaners- these most likely include your parents or other family members, really close friends, spouses, etc. You can identify the "Well Meaners" by the phrase "What are you going to do if it doesn't work out?" They ask this question out of pure concern, but they have no idea how debilitating that question is to your confidence. My advice with dealing with the Well Meaners: Lie. Tell them what they want to hear. Say something like "Don't worry, I have a nest egg," or "I have a back-up job lined up." You already have way too much anxiety over your future, you don't need to pass it on to them too.
    • 2) The Broken Dreamers- these are people who have "been there and done that" and didn't fare so well. And, most likely, they know exactly how this is going to end up and they are just trying to save you from financial and emotional ruin...but there's also a little bit of bitterness in their prophecies of doom. I'd like to think that I am better than this, but chances are that I am going to become a Broken Dreamer. So, when you talk to me about your new business ventures, please don't be offended by my dream-puncing tendencies; I'm just wallowing in my own failures.
    • 3) The Green Eyed Monsters- These people are almost the worst. They won't support your endeavors out pure jealousy. You hit a nerve with trying to fulfill your dream and they will project their inability or lack of desire to take risks on you. They will try to belittle your actions by saying condescending things like "so, how's your little craft business going?" or "oh, are you still doing that?" Or, they will straight out refuse to recognize that you actually work hard and refer to you as unemployed. My advice to this? Ignore them. Don't waste your energy trying to convince them that you work hard. Let them think what they want. You know the truth. Don't let them throw salt in your game. I had trouble ignoring them, but hopefully you won't. And honestly, most of them don't really mean to be hateful; they just resent that you are doing your own thing and they aren't. I think there's a little bit of Green Eyed Monster in all of us.
    • The Schadenfreude-ers - This type of naysayer is the worst. To be fair, I believe that schadenfreude exists in all of us to some extent as well. Schadenfreude, most simply defined, is the German word that means "the pleasure derived from others' misfortunes." And, as I said, I think schadenfreude is present in most of us...I for one would completely delight in any sort of misfortune brought upon Rick Santorum, but that's just me. Back to my point. Schadenfreude will be present in your enemies as well as people you thought you were your friends. The will talk behind your back and sometimes to your face about the flaws in your plans. They will ask cloying questions about how you are doing, only in the anticipation of a "things are not going so great" answer. Some might even try to sabotage your success by spreading rumors to others, just to get the satisfaction from your failure. Luckily, I only encountered one or two Schadenfreude-ers during my year long self-employment, but they were very toxic just the same. My advice on Schadenfreude-ers: cut them out of your life as soon as you identify them. Also, make sure to keep tight lipped around friends of Schadenfreude-ers. Schadenfreude-ers thrive on bad news. Don't feed them. Ever.
  • TRY HARD AND TAKE RISKS. But don't be too hard on yourself when you fail. When I first started selling jewelry as my 100% full time job, I tried every new advertising measure I could. Some worked well, others failed miserably and ended up being quite costly. The majority of my risks ended in new sales, new connections, new business partners, and new friends. The minority of my risks resulted in lost inventory/revenue, embarrassment, and bad blood. When that happens, it's really hard not to focus on the risks that ended badly because they feel so devastating at the time. But, when you breathe and step back, you realize that they were just a small part of your overall operation.
  • DON'T LOOK AT THIS AS PASS/FAIL. Instead, I think it's helpful to grade yourself on the standard scholastic scale. I know that I keep referring to myself as a "failure" but I actually don't think that. If I were to grade myself, it would go like this: 
    • A in creativity and design as well as customer service and event vending. 
    • B in promotion. I know that I probably drove all my facebook and twitter friends mad with my constant item listing promotions, but the truth is that some of it worked. But I could have found better ways of advertising. Sometimes, friends who have known me from the "get-go" would ask "Do you have an etsy page or something?" Face palm. Clearly my etsy listing promotions weren't work as well as I had hoped.
    • C in aggressiveness. I would never go for the "hard sell" but I didn't try too hard at the soft sell either. In fact, my lackadaisical sales methods are rooted in my distrust of a few sales people and my desire to not be like them. Most of the time, I found myself talking people out of necklaces...I'm a weirdo.
    • D in business planning. I don't understand the economy, business practices, etc. and I don't wanna.
    • No F's. I don't think I all out failed in anything.
         While my above report card isn't straight A's, I didn't completely fail. Sure, I'm not going to get into a good college with these grades...but I did get into my "safety school," which I guess would be an M-F, 8-5 office job:)

So there it is. Interestingly enough, I landed this new job that I start tomorrow almost a year to the day that I quit my old job and started out on my self-employed journey. I told myself that I would give it a year and I did (give or take a few days). I'm extremely proud of what I accomplished, however, as I said earlier- If I knew how taxing it was going to be and how many friendships I was going to lose as well as the constant emotional roller coaster it would cause, I probably wouldn't have done it. But that's just me and that shows you what kind of person I am (read: scaredy cat). This was one of the hardest things I ever did and it put a lot of pressure on my family and friends- mainly, my wonderful husband who stood by me through the whole thing. I regret that I couldn't make it work, but now I know that it just wasn't right for me...or maybe it just wasn't right for me at this time.

Don't worry though, I've got about 146 other dreams to try, so stay tuned:)

Oh, that reminds me, and I better check with my soon-to-be-ex employer and see if my 401K rolls over. Probably not. I'm an awful boss.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Insomnia and The Colosseum

I am really having a hard time writing today's blog. I'm feeling completely uninspired and very, well, not smart. I can't even come up with better phrasing for the term "not smart."

This apathy could be due to the fact that I have been dealing with insomnia this week. And the insomnia is making me...not smart.

Bear with me folks. I have no witty segue into the blog topic, so here it is- 

The Roman Colosseum:

  • The Colosseum started construction in the year 70. Yep, a double digit year. According to various accounts, it took 8-10 years to construct. That, to me, is a staggering statistic. It makes me think of what I have accomplished in 8-10 years...and it's not building a Colosseum, that's for sure.
  • The Colosseum was originally called the Flavian Amphitheater because construction began during the rule of Emperor Flavian, but it was later renamed the Colosseum, due to it's proximity to the statue of Colossus. 
  • It was built as a gift to the Roman citizens as a venue for hosting free entertainment. The events that were held there were: executions, gladiator and exotic animal fights, religious ceremonies and mock naval battles*. (*note, in my intellectually depleted state, I almost typed "navel battles," which is a pretty funny image, if you think about it.)
  • Although admission was free for citizens, you couldn't just sit anywhere in the Colosseum. The lowest class had to sit in the top row and the upper class got the floor seats on the arena level.
  • Speaking of the arena, I just learned that the word "arena" comes from the latin word for "sand." Since the arena floor was mostly sand...well, you get it; I don't need to hold your hand through this deduction.
  • The Colosseum has 76 entrances and 4 grand entrances, kind of like an Ikea. The structure was designed so that it could be evacuated in 5 minutes, unlike an Ikea.
  • Here's the best fact I found: Upon touring the Colosseum, director Ridley Scott declared that it was "too small" for his film Gladiator. They ended up designing a fake "Rome of the imagination" set. Psshht. Hollywood.
Well, that's my sleep deficient blog today. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I....ZZZZZZZ. Huh? Wait? Where am I? I think I dozed off at the computer....

Anyway, here's the featured sale item of the day. Oh, hey. It's a Roman Colosseum necklace. What a coincidence. Weird.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

See. Horsies.

Hey all! So, here's the good news: I got a job. Well, to clarify- I have a regular job. I have always considered myself employed...just not gainfully so. Here's the bad news (or even better news for some of you): as of May 7th, I will be back with the M-F, 8-5 crowd. Yay.

That being said, starting May 7th, I will probably not be blog posting regularly. Also, the fabulous "Featured Sale Items of the Day" will most likely cease. Why? Well, if I learned anything from my last time around with trying to work a 40+ hour week, THEN adding on 40+ more hours of jewelry making and blog posting; it burns me out pretty fast.

I will still make jewelry and I will still blog, but it will go back down to a hobby level. You've been warned. So, you may either start to lament or cheer, whichever is appropriate.

But this post isn't about me. It's going to be about seahorses. Because, why not?

To get you properly primed for seahorses, however, I want to share this BRILLIANT bit by comedian Jim Gaffigan about seahorses. Check it:

Funny stuff, right?

Here's what's up with seahorses:

  • Yep, it's true- the male seahorse has the baby. The female inserts her eggs into the male's "brood pouch." The male then goes and hangs on to a piece of coral and gestates. After a few weeks, the male contorts a whole bunch then gives birth to baby seahorses. That is some weird shit.
  • Seahorsies are not "strong swimmers." They much prefer to hang out by coral and relax...or, I guess if you are dude seahorse, you hang out and "gestate."
  • Apparently, there are 53 species of seahorse. They range in size from 1/2 inch to 14 inches. They belong to Syngnathidae, which also includes the pipefish and the seadragon. Wait, what the fuck is a seadragon?
  • Seriously, what the fuck is a seadragon?
  • Most seahorses mate for life. Which makes sense because the female seahorse will want to stick by her baby daddy.
  • Seahorses like to swim in pairs, linked by their tails. That's super adorable.
  • During mating, seahorse utter "musical sounds." Oh, is that what we are calling it now?
  • And, mating is usually done under the full moon. They are some romantic weirdos, aren't they?
  • A group of seahorses is called a herd. Ya' heard.
Well, that's about all I got about seahorses. So, now's the time that I refer you to my Featured Sale Item of the Day...which just happens to be a seahorse necklace. It was, $50, now it's only $42. For today, 4/25/12 only.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Guess What? You ARE a Geek.

As those of you who follow me on facebook and twitter know, I'm producing and performing in a geek themed burlesque called "GeekShow" tomorrow night at the Triple Nickel Tavern ( Well, during the months leading up to the show, I have heard several of my fellow Peaks and Pasties ( proclaim, with some small pride, "I guess I'm just not geeky." Guess what? You are.

Here's the deal- I'm willing to bet that almost everyone reading this blog has some geek in them. And those who can't reconcile with their inner geek are probably too busy hulking out on steroids and trying to figure out how to punch me through the computer. "Blane smash. Me need more Monster Energy Drink* to beat up dorky art girl...." *Replace "Monster Energy Drink" with "Sparks" or "Meth," as you see appropriate.

So basically what I'm saying is that if you don't have a little bit of Geek in you, then there's a good chance that you have a lot of Douchebag in you. And I don't mean this to be condescending. It is just my experience that those with the ability to empathize and care for others, often have interests in the Geek Arts.

And there are so many geeky things out there! One of them is bound to apply to you. Your geek journey begins here. We welcome you.

Here's a few that I can list:

SCI FI: Yes, I believe that this one is at the top of the list. This category includes all space related movies, TV shows and books: Star Wars (of course), Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, X-Files, etc. There are far too many to mention. But, chances are, if you are into...I mean, really into Sci Fi, then you have some geek in you.

TECHIES/COMPUTER DORKS: Yes, we all know the stereotypical "computer nerd." He/she might be an IT person, programmer, or weird manacle genius. But, I believe you are also a Techy geek if you look forward to the new Apple iphone, ipad, i-whatever. If you HAVE to pick up every single "gadgety" thing you see in a store, then you are probably a geek. AND, you don't even have to know a lot about computers to be a Techy. My husband has to have every new gadget available, but I will ruin him if we are put head to head on a spreadsheet building competition. In fact, I will ruin you all.  But this isn't about me. Bottom line, you don't have to write code to be a Techy geek. Most likely, if you are a consumer, then you are a techy.

COMIC BOOKS: Oh yeah. This is a big one. Liking almost ALL comic books makes you a geek...except liking Archie comic books...that makes you a serial killer. I only need two words to prove my point that comic books are geeky: COMIC CON. (And yes, I know that Comic Con isn't just about comic books, but cool-out nerds...I'm trying to help you). Comic Con brings me to a very good point: chances are that if what you are into has an annual convention, it is probably geeky.

REN FAIR/LORD OF THE RINGS/GAME OF THRONES/ANYTHING MEDIEVAL: I'm guessing that I caught a whole bunch of you here. If what you are into involves dragons, pan flute music, chain mail, wizardry and elves/imps, then "Huzzah!" you are a geek.

D&D: Do I really need to explain why this is geeky?

STEAMPUNK: Yep. It involves history, technology, time-travel and costumes. Face it. That shit is super geeky. Now, take your goggles off...I know you can't read properly with those on.

GAMERS: So, I'm going to wager that the people I didn't get with "Medieval" and "Steampunk" will have to concede to this category. Do you play World of Warcraft? Halo? Or whatever new game it is that keeps you from leaving the house. Hi, Geek.

MISC: Here's where I really get you all- if you are VERY into one thing and are incredibly "schooled" on the subject and it places you a little bit out of the mainstream, then I welcome you to the Geek Alliance. These geeky subjects might include, but are not limited to: theatre, film (my favorite), science, math, philosophy, grammar (my second favorite), role play, cosplay (furries? anime? you know you dig it), historical re-inactment, stamps and/or money collecting, literature, Harry Potter, vampires (aka Dark Shadows), horror, antiques, etc. Basically, anything that takes up a great deal of your time....and you are slightly ashamed to admit that you enjoy it so much.

So there it is. Are you a Geek? If so, please come to our GeekShow tomorrow night! If you are not a Geek, then you should probably go back to the set of The Jersey Shore....

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Goose, Gander, Gaggle

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." For the longest time, I thought this expression meant "what's good for one person is good for the whole group." This is NOT what it means. A "gander" is a male goose. So, what this expression means is: "what's good for the woman is good for the man." Hmmm. I realize now that I was confusing the term "gander" with the term "gaggle," which means a group of geese.  "Gaggle"/"Gander."  Whoever the smartypants was who decided on geese terms should have chose words that are less similar and less confusing.

The disturbing thing about this aforementioned rant is that I think there was one person in etymologic history whose job it was to make up goose terms, all with the malevolent intentions of confusing me. I am not a rational person.

Well, I think you know where we are going with this blog post: Asshole word-maker-uppers. Just kidding. We are going to talk about geese, silly.

  • Here's the deal- I think geese are totally cute and I love all animals, but it has also been my experience that geese are dicks. This fact backs me up: Geese protect their young. Which means they will charge you if you encroach on their homestead. So, I guess geese aren't really dicks, they are just being good parents.
  • Geese, more specifically Canadian Geese, eh; mate for life. But, if their mate dies, the living half of the couple will seek out a new partner. 
  • Geese prefer fertilized grass over unfertilized grass, which is why they are often found on golf courses. That and the fact that they are awesome golfers. You are now picturing geese with golf pants on, aren't you? And it is amazing, isn't it?
  • Migratory geese have a strong urge to return to their place of birth. Sometimes this requires them flying up to 3,000 miles to do so.
  • If they are in a hurry, migratory geese can fly up to 60 mph. Whoa.
  • So, why do they fly in that V formation? It helps reduce drag. So, if one of them falls out of formation, they instantly feel the wind resistance and get back into formation where it's easier to cruise. Pretty smart for a silly goose.
  • If I had a pet goose, I would not name it Goose, I would name it Maverick. Just to be tricky.
So, there you go. And take a gander at this necklace:

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Hangover

I'm not quite sure what happened this weekend, but I do know that Sunday I had to endure a DAY LONG HANGOVER. I'm not joking. My headache lasted from minute I woke up until I went to bed. I actually thought for a second that I must have received some sort of head injury the night before. Ugh.

And here's the kicker: I didn't drink that much.

Which leads me to one of two conclusions: 1) Someone slipped me a Mickey or 2) I'm getting old.

Since I was drinking with friends and trusted loved ones, option number 1 is not really a possibility, so it must be option number 2. Blurg. It's so gross when old people get drunk.

And why was I imbibing so much you ask? Well, I was performing in a burlesque show at Stargazer's Theater in Colorado Springs. Peaks and Pasties (the burly-Q troupe I belong to) was lucky enough to host the Dangerous Curves Ahead Tour out of NYC. The tour features such fabulous performers as Minnie Tonka, Gigi LaFemme, Clams Casino, Anita Cookie, and my personal favorite, Darlinda Just Darlinda. I was truly honored and humbled to share the stage with such phenomenal talent. Check them out at

But back to my hangover. You see, I had no intentions of getting super drunk....but, we had a wonderful cocktail waitress backstage who was so quick to bring me beers that I thought it would be rude not to order more and more from her. So, really, it's her fault. Also, I was drinking Blue Moon (which has loads of sugar) instead of my usual Newcastle or Guinness.  So, it's also the Blue Moon's fault.

Do you see how I'm not taking any credit for my hangover? In self-help speak, I believe they call that "denial."

Anyway, I don't want to make this blog all about my let's make it about preventing hangovers. Here are some options that I've found help alleviate and in some cases, prevent hangovers:

1. Zaca Recovery Patch. ( I've tried this once and I must say that it worked pretty well. I have friends who swear by it. It's just a tiny patch that you stick to your arm or lower back before you go out drinking. Apparently, it's loaded with vitamins and some sort of anti-hangover magic.
2. Pedialyte. Drink this before you go to bed. I suggest pairing it with a multi-vitamin, if your stomach can handle it. I does make a difference when you wake up in the morning.
3. Water (aka Poor Man's Pedialyte). It's old timey, but effective. Drink a full glass of water before you go to bed. AND, you should alternate water with alcoholic beverage while you are drinking, but who has the foresight to do that?
4. Don't drink. Wait, how did that make the list. Sure, in bizarro world that might work....
5. A Super hot bath. This one is reserved for the next day. So, let's say that you forgot all the preventative measures and you are now living in a self-induced hell. This one doesn't cure your hangover, but it really does help. My theory is that when you submerge your self in really hot water, then you start to sweat out all those pesky toxins that are keeping you down. I also add lavender oil and a few black tea bags to the bath water. The lavender oil helps keep nausea at bay and the tea gives you just a little bit of caffeine. If you opt for this option, make sure you have a glass of water by your bath tub. You will be sweating a lot, so you need to keep your body hydrated.
6. Liquids. Anything that has water in it. I personally find green tea to be effective, but fruit juice, gatorade, etc. can be good as well. But, fruit juice and gatorade are loaded with sugar, which could cause you to sugar crash and eventually make you feel worse. I also recommend luke warm water. It sounds gross, but your body absorbs warm liquids easier than cold ones, so this will get you hydrated faster.
7. Aspirin. Again, old-timey, but effective.
8. A cute animal. It's pretty amazing what an adorable pet can do for your feelings of shame, regret, and embarrassment. Most animals don't judge you.
9. A heating pad. For that pounding head of yours.
10. Hair of the Dog. So, you've tried all these things and you still feel like the south end of a north bound dog? Well, when in doubt, just give up. A bloody Mary usually does the trick. However, the side effect of this is that you just get drunk again and you end up with another hangover the next day...and eventually a huge drinking problem and possibly cirrhosis of the liver. But, you got rid of that pesky hangover, didn't you?

I guess now's the point in which I mention that I am not a medical professional and none of my advice should ever be taken seriously. Ever. By anyone.

I also know that there are many other ways to prevent/cure a hangover, some of which are not legal. So I left those off the blog, so don't write me and "say what about ______ ?" This ain't Studio 54.   

OK, I got the CYA out of the way. Now to finish off my blog with a popular internet meme so this will show up in SEO's.....

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Eiffel Tower

Well, we've come to the day of the week where I blatantly try to promote a piece of jewelry while I shroud it under the guise of "educational fact sharing." Disgusting, I know. But, hey- this is my day job. Look at it as though you are sitting through a time share pitch and if you stick it through, then you get a free night's stay. Except, with this blog the "free night's stay" is "free knowledge." And I promise you will feel less dirty and used after reading this blog then you would had you sat through a time share spiel.

So, grab a cup of coffee....or for today's blog, a cafe aulait, and let's talk about the Eiffel Tower!

  • The Eiffel Tower was named after showman, architect and contractor Gustave Eiffel. It was finished in March of 1889. It was built for the World's Fair to show that iron was stronger and lighter than stone....That's a pretty big way to go to prove a point.
  • Apparently, the tower shrinks 6 inches in the winter. Mmm hmm. I've heard that excuse before....
  • The tower was almost demolished in 1909, but it was saved due to it's use as a telecommunications tower.
  • To prevent rust, the tower is painted every 7 years. And you thought repainting your dining room was rough.
  • There are over 100 security cameras installed on the Eiffel Tower. C'est La Vie.
  • Here's something for you science nerds: The air contained in a cylinder that could hold the Eiffel Tower would weigh more than the Eiffel Tower itself. Huh? The explanation to this involves math and something called "cubic metres," so I'm really not going to go into it.
  • Around the base of the Eiffel Tower are the names of important French scientists, including Daguerre (the father of photography).
  • The architect, Gustave Eiffel, also created the frame for the Statue of Liberty. 
  • Between 1925 and 1934, the car company Citron, use the Eiffel Tower as a billboard...which just seems weird and wrong to me.
  • In 1912, a man designed a "parachute-coat," which he decided to test out by jumping off the Eiffel Tower. It did not end well. Long story short: parachute-coats are not a current fashion staple.
And, here's the necklace that inspired today's blog post:

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Yesterday I decided to do some in depth cleaning of my craft room. After doing so, I ended up with a pile of random objects and a realization: you can tell a lot about a person based on the forgotten-about crap that they have in their craft room. I thought I'd share a few of the objects that I found with you. Feel free to come up with your own personality assessment of me. And give me a heads up if you've decided that your assessment warrants a call to the authorities. Or my mom.

Here's what I found...I'm going to try to go in order of time period...If I can remember correctly.

First up:
This is a photo of my friend Jozanna and myself at our college graduation. I can't seem to find my diploma, so I'm hoping this off-centered, faded, random photo will serve as proof that I graduated college.  I'm pretty sure this is a legally binding document. Also, please note how flattering the graduation gowns are...


This is my "Los Angeles Collage." In the top left corner is my 20/20 Video lanyard. On the left side is my victim's report from when I was held up at 20/20 Video. And on the bottom left corner are the bus tokens that I never used after being too scared of the L.A. public after said robbery. I like to look at this little collage as the reasons I left L.A.

Moving on:
Charlie's Angels sticker and Rolling Stones patch. There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with both these things. I can't explain the Charlie's Angels thing and luckily that has passed. I'm still pretty obsessed with The Stones, though.

Uh huh, and?:

This doesn't have much significance, except that The Detroit Cobras are one of my favorite bands. And I thought it was weird to find a C.D. With the onset of MP3's, this might as well be an 8-track. But, you can't take a picture of an MP3.....

Um, OK...what else?

Well, it's not all depressing victim's reports and cheesy Charlie's Angels stickers. Here's a nice romantic collection- pics from our wedding, pesos from our honeymoon and Troy's first anniversary card to me. Aw. See, I have a soft side. It's not ALL sarcasm and cynicism.

And here's something completely random:

This is the image that sparked the idea for the tattoos on the backs of my legs. Now you know.

OK, that was boring.

How about this:

So, for a BRIEF moment in time, I was really into collecting vintage travel ephemera.

Um, that was almost as boring as the damn cats photo.  I apologize. Let's try this:

I met one of my heroes, John Waters! Yay!

OK, getting better.....

Here's something:
What the what? I do want to clarify that this was given to me. But, I can't explain why I kept it for so long. I don't think this counts as probable cause....

Then I found this:
I found these RIGHT after the True Crime cards. Sort of a palate cleanser, I guess. I'm not quite sure how old this bar of soap and towelettes are, so I can't testify to their sin-washing abilities....

But, I might need them after this:

That top item, my friends, is a vintage Wells Fargo coffin tag. Yep, Wells Fargo used to be in the mortuary business. That bottom thing is a belt buckle blank. I think you know where I'm going with this. Flash forward to this morning- these two items plus a little bit of JB Weld and I now have the most awesomely macabre belt buckle. Squeal!

So that's what I found. Now, before you go crazy on the psychiatric evaluations, I implore you to look into your own long forgotten drawers and see what you find. You might realize that you are almost as troubled as me:)

Want more info on me? Go to: You can also find my handmade jewelry at

Monday, April 9, 2012

Weekend. Weakend.

It has come to my attention that in order to truly call myself a blogger, then I actually need to blog more than just once a week.  "Well, why do we all have to suffer in order for you to call yourself a blogger?" you might ask. Well, I don't know. All I can say is that life is not fair, as proven by the existence of Sophia Vergara and Christina Hendricks (I mean, seriously; just when I get down to a minimal level of self-loathing and bad body image, I see one of those two on TV).

Back to me being a "blogger." I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to write about myself, or some sort of expertise that I have......*crickets*

OK, I've wracked my brain and I think I'm just going to write about my past weekend; mainly to make you feel good about the much more fun weekend you had.

I'm going to start off my weekend with Thursday night. Not because I'm such a social darling that I had something going on every night. Nope. Thursday night was the only night that I actually did any sort socializing. So, Thursday night I did this:
Before you jump to conclusions, I didn't go pants-less line dancing at a country bar. I was pants-less burlesque performing at a biker bar...which makes it way more classy. To elaborate, I was performing with the Peaks and Pasties half-time show during the Three Bad Jacks show at Southside Johnny's. I thought my performance was going well...UNTIL a couple just got up and started slow-dancing right in front of the stage. I repeat, a couple got up and started slow-dancing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MOTHERF*CKING STAGE.  During my performance. For those of you who are saying "what's wrong with that?," please stop reading now and go find an How To Be An Even Bigger Assh*le blog to read. Seriously, getting up and dancing right in front of a burlesque performance is like getting up and telling jokes right in front of a stand up comedian. I really didn't think my performance was THAT boring that this couple thought they should show me how it's done.  Blurg.

So that was Thursday night.

Friday morning, the hubcap (for those who don't know, that's slang for "husband." My friend Don introduced me to this term and I love it) and I decided that we would go to Ikea. I feel like this sentence needs clarification as well. First, my hubcap is a teamster and he get's Good Friday off, that's why I'm considering Friday morning as part of the weekend. And second, Ikea is kind of a big deal because we live in Colorado Springs and just got our first Ikea in Denver like a year ago. And I was taking my husband to an Ikea for the first time....little did he know it would most likely be his last.

We made the 60 min trek to the Swedish cheap furniture and housewares store around noon-ish, so we got there just in time for a lunch of their "famous" Swedish Meatballs:

My review: Meh. But, you have to try it once, right? Now, I want you to know that I am not an Ikea novice. I used to live in LA and my tiny apartment owed the majoring of it's lighting and seating to the Burbank Ikea. In fact, it was at the Burbank Ikea that I saw a very young Timothy Olyphant...some 13+ years ago. I'm not including that info to brag (well, maybe a little bit), but rather to establish that I have been to an Ikea and I really should have known better.....I think 13 years away from anything clouds your judgement.

Let me first start by saying that for some reason I decided to wear high heel boots. Clearly, I forgot about the size of the Swedish Monster. About 1/8 of the way through, my feet were whimpering.

I also have never been shopping there with a better half. Surprisingly, the Hubcap and I survived without any sort of marriage-ending housewares squabbles. I witnessed some other couples there who weren't so lucky.  The whole time I just kept remembering the recent 30 Rock where Liz Lemmon and her new boyfriend go to Ikea together to pick out a table. It ends in tears.

We did ok. And we didn't buy anything that we had to assemble, so that's a win. Here's a couple of noteworthy things we bought:
This is an adorable Octopus laundry hanger. I chose to use it for storing my hats. I think that was quite clever on my part. We also got this:
Not the purse...the Cat Butt wall hanger. Yep. I'm a grown up.

After we got done with Ikea, we decided to venture over to H&M, another relatively low-priced retailer that has been around in major cities for decades, but is just now coming to Colorado. Essentially, it's cheap hipster clothing. And while the hubcap and I are cheap, we are not hipster. The store was packed and slightly disheveled. I didn't have any luck there at all, but my feet were throbbing at this point, so I wasn't willing to put in the "shopping effort" required at stores like this.

Next we decided to get away from the hipster chains and start shopping local. I'm so glad we did. We hit up S. Broadway in Denver. If you haven't shopped this area, do it. Right away, hubcap and I felt back in our element amongst the vintage and handmade stores. My favorite was a place called Sewn ( They had really great, one of a kind, handmade items. I also picked up this little gem on our Broadway shopping adventure:
That is a dinosaur fossil hair comb. It's prehysterical! I don't remember the store I got this one at, but the staff was incredibly friendly.

So, to sum up Friday, and perhaps everyday going forward; shop small and local. It will be much easier on the psyche.

Saturday was pretty much the same, but involving Colorado Springs thrift stores. During this outing, however, I realized 2 truths: 1) There is a 90% chance that James Taylor will be playing on the thrift store radio and 2) No matter what section of the store you are in, some old biddy will follow you and make a beeline for whatever item you are looking at.

Well, that was pretty much my weekend. I know. Not even really worth writing a blog about, so I do apologize to the 4 of you who read this.  Hope your weekends were much more enthralling than mine:)

Oh, and shameless plug time, here's my shop:
and here's my website:

Friday, March 30, 2012

Who is Giulia Farnese?

Hi everyone! I'm a little late this week on my blog post. Sorry about that. Rest assured that I have been using my time wisely- I just installed Draw Free on my phone, so that takes up about 8 hour of my day.....

Hey, speaking of drawing, our blog topic today was the subject of a lot of drawings...well, paintings to be exact.

She is Giulia Farnese. Who is Giulia Farnese? Well, she was the pope's mistress. Yep.

Giulia Farnese was born in Canino, Italy in 1474. She was from a relatively affluent family and was arranged to be married to Orsino Orsini. But, as is often the case, she did not love her arranged husband...even though he had one of the most awesomely alliterative names ever.

In comes Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia (later Pope Alexander). The savvy TV watcher will know him as the guy played by Jeremy Irons in the HBO series The Borgias. Anyway, it's unclear exactly when Giulia started "confessing" to the Pope, but we do know that by November of 1493, Giulia was living in a palace built next door to the Vatican. This way, the Pope could easily, ahem, "bless" her.  Want to know the weird thing about all this? Almost everyone was relatively cool with this arrangement. Even good old Orsino. It was thought that by being the Pope's mistress, Giulia would be able to raise her husbands status.  Hmmm. Even the citizens of Rome were aware of the situation. Giulia was known as "the Pope's whore" or sarcastically "the bride of Christ."

Also, here's something- back then Pope's didn't have to be celibate. Celibacy was optional.

At this time, Giulia became close to the Pope's famous daughter, Lucrezia Borgia. And it was also during this time that Giulia became pregnant and gave birth to a little girl named Laura. No one knows if the kid was the Pope's or Orsino's, but Giulia claimed that her daughter was the Pope's. Giulia had hoped to raise the child's social status this way.

But, being the Pope's mistress isn't quite the bed of roses you might think it is. By 1500, Pope Alexander became bored of Giulia, due to her age. Yep, even back then guys were assholes. So, he kicked her out of Rome. It was also around this time that her husband died. So, Giulia went to live in Carbagnano, an area given to her late husband by the Pope himself. Weird.

Giulia still did pretty well with the suitors even though she was the Pope's sloppy seconds. She eventually married a member of the lower ranking Neapolitan nobility.

She died in 1524 at the age of 50. She died at the house of her brother, Cardinal Alessandro, who would later become Pope Paul III.

So there's the quick story on Giulia Farnese. And here's the lovely necklace I made. It's on sale today, so if you want a Pope's Whore necklace at a lower price, here's your chance:)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Going Back to Kali

I'm going to be honest with you- lately, I've been very distraught over finding a job. It seems that I'm collecting more rejection emails than I thought possible. That does a few things to the psyche...not good things. And while my confidence is quite shaken, I'm still not relenting on my job search criteria: No huge corporations, No sole-crushing work, No sales jobs....and No scrubs.

I also want to be clear- I'm not looking for a job because I don't have one and I have all sorts of time on my hands. I have a more than full-time job making jewelry. However, it is paying less than a part-time job; and that's not paying the bills.  So, I have to abandon my goal of running my own business and join the traditional workforce again. I'm not happy about this. But, a smart-ass, jewelry-making blogger's got to do what a smart-ass, jewelry-making blogger's got to do, right?

There is a point to this rant, other than catharsis. Today, I'm going to write about Kali, the Hindu goddess usually associated with death and destruction...and unemployment (ok, not really the unemployment part). So why is this relevant? Well, as you may or may not know, there is a duality involved in most Hindu gods and goddesses. So, even though Kali is known as a violent goddess, her symbolism is also known as a goddess who is able to eradicate negative thoughts and bad habits in the minds of her followers.  And I need some negative thoughts eradicated, for sure.

So here's the deal with Kali:

Kali was born from the furrowed brow of Durga. Durga was fighting this demon named Raktabija. She was having a hard time, though, because every time a drop of blood spilled from Raktabija, it would fall on the ground and start a clone of the demon. In comes Kali. Kali had a taste for demon blood sucked all the blood from Raktabija before he could reproduce.

But, Kali got a bit too excited about demon slaying. On story tells of how Kali became so bloodthirsty and excited by her demon slaying on the battlefield that she started to do a dance. She got so involved in the dance and started stomping on the bodies of the dead demons. Which would be fine, I guess, except her husband Shiva was also on the ground and she started stomping on him in the fervor of her demon jitterbug. Shiva finally got her attention, but not without shaming her first. After realizing her folly, she stuck out her tongue as a sign of shame. Thus, the typical depiction of Kali.

The name Kali means "She who is black." This name refers to her symbology of death, destruction, sexuality, violence, and motherly love. Yep. Motherly love. The whole thing behind her destructive nature is that she destroys to recreate. And what she destroys is sin, ignorance and decay. She recreates light. Ya' dig?

That's just a little bit about Kali. And just like a lot of religious texts, I found many different interpretations of her story. I went with the most popular. That's my disclaimer. I'm not a religious scholar, I'm just a failed jewelry designer:)

Here's the necklace that goes with today's blog post. Oh, and it's on sale!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wait, There's a History Behind My Green Beer?

Well, St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday this year. Which means that I will be staying away from the popular watering holes.. Why? Well, I'm Irish and a heavy drinker...and I really hate to see when amateurs try to participate in a professional sport.

My aversion to idiotic drunken frat boys aside, St. Patrick's Day is one of the best holidays ever. Second only to Halloween (another holiday you have the Irish to thank for; you're welcome).

In this blog, I'm going to try to weave in some Irish slang. They will be italicized, so you don't think that I'm just slowly losing my mind. Anyway, let's not dodder. I'm going to pull up my socks and get onto my St. Patrick's blog.

  • I'm going to disappoint right away: St. Patrick has little to do with the actual holiday. While he is the patron saint of Ireland, he was actually from England. He was abducted around the 400's and was forced to live as a slave in Ireland. But, even after he escaped, he returned to Ireland to do missionary work. Oh, and the whole "chasing the snakes out of Ireland" thing? That didn't happen; there were no snakes in Ireland to begin with. It's a fecking good tale, though. Rumor has it, however, that he did use the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the people of Ireland.
  • On any given day, about 5.5 million pints of Guinness (aka Black Stuff) are consumed a day. On St. Patrick's Day, however, that number rises to 13 million. Mmmmm. Black Stuff.
  • St. Patrick was said to have insisted that everyone should have "a drop of the hard stuff" on his feast day. He meant whiskey, baby! And, there is a custom known as "drowning the shamrock," which is the tradition of putting the shamrock that was worn on your lapel into your last drink of the evening....the problem I see with this? I never know when my last drink of the evening is. I usually just pass out with my arse out.
  • St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in America in Boston in 1737. That's wicked cool. And it doesn't take a bloody genius to figure that out.
  • 34 million people in America are of Irish ancestry; the total population of Ireland is 4.1 million.
  • In 1962, the city of Chicago started dying the Chicago river green for St. Patrick's Day. This came about when a member of the plumber's union noticed that the water testing chemical they used left behind a green hue. Jaysus!
  • The actual color associate with St. Patrick? Blue. Green didn't become associated with him until the 19th century. Which is fine by me. I look amazing in green:)
Well, I'm done blathering about St. Patrick's Day. I had a good craic, did you? Slainte! And here's the featured sale item of the day:

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Take Off, Eh. You Hosiery.

*Writer's note: The title of this blog is meant to be read in a Doug and Bob McKenzie aka Strange Brew voice. Unfamiliar? Hoser. Watch this you tube clip and then you might be welcomed back into my life:

As a burlesque performer, I focus quite a bit on leg wear. In fact, I have a whole act built around a "drunken stocking peel." (Wanna see? Here's the you tube clip for that:
OK, now that I'm done with my shameless self-promotion, here's the "run down" (get it? run?) on hosiery:

  • The earliest form of hosiery was worn by men; because women were not allowed to show their legs....Because that would have been the worst thing ever.
  • Women started wearing hosiery in the 16th century when Queen Elizabeth received her first pair of silk stockings in 1560. 
  • During World War II, nylon was very scarce as the military needed the material to build tents and tarps. Since women didn't have access to nylons, they used makeup on their legs to create the illusion of stockings; even drawing a backseam up the leg with black eyeliner. I'm guessing you would have to have a friend do that for you as I can't even fathom how one would draw on the back of one's own leg....
  • In 2006, the NBA banned tights. Players like Le Bron James and Kobe Bryant got upset because they wore tights under their shorts for extra support. True story. And a little fact for you sports fans.
  • The transition of popularity from thigh-high nylons to full pantyhose can be traced to the popularity of the miniskirt. As hemlines rose, the top of the nylon had to get higher and higher, resulting in the use of the full pantyhose. 
  • Pantyhose were invented in 1959 by Allen Grant.  For those men who love the look of thigh-highs on women, Allen Grant is an asshole.
  • According to a British 2011 study, 1/3 of men wear pantyhose (or some form of hosiery) underneath their work suits. 
  • And here's an answer to a question that is on a lot of women's minds: Why can't they make pantyhose or stockings that don't run? Well, they can...but you wouldn't want to wear them. The nylon (or silk) can be woven much tighter so that it won't run, but it wouldn't stretch or conform to the shape of your legs. So, stop complaining, ladies. At least you don't to have to draw on your pantyhose with eyeliner...
Inspired for some new hosiery? Well, this won't run. Guaranteed. And it's on sale today!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

It's a Leap Day Miracle!

I'm not proud to admit this, but I am a huge sucker for Romantic Comedies...aka "Rom Coms." I'm even more ashamed to admit that my husband is just as big of a sucker for Rom Coms as I am. This essentially makes Friday night movie nights at the Darling house remarkably close to the way I spent every Friday night in high school: sitting on the couch with my best friend, watching a chick flick. I wasn't very popular in high school...did I mention that? 

But whatever. To those who don't enjoy a good Rom Com: well, I'm sorry that you are an android or made of stone or some sort of Eastern European. And of course, I couldn't talk about Rom Coms without mentioning one of the queens of them: Amy Adams. And I couldn't mention Amy Adam's Rom Coms without mentioning one of the sappiest: Leap Year.

Whew. It took me a while to get to that one....glad you could take the "leap" with me (*cue rimshot).

Since today is Leap Day, let's look into it, shall we?

  • For those of you who haven't seen Leap Year (i.e., those of you without a soul), it is a Leap Day tradition that started in Ireland in which a woman could propose to a man on Feb. 29 without fear of ridicule. Apparently, it started when St. Brigitte struck a deal with St. Patrick to make this happen. No word on if St. Brigitte is getting any back end profits on the Leap Year movie deal.
  • You've got a 1 in 1461 chance of being born on Leap Day. So, Leap Day babies are lucky. And not at all the freaks that I've been telling everyone that they are. Sorry about that.
  • So when do the Leap Day, I mean, Lucky People celebrate their birthdays when it's not Leap Year? Turns out it's different in various regions. In places like China, Taiwan, and New Zealand, 21 year old Leap-ers get to have that first legal drink on Feb. 28th; Leap-ers in the US, UK, and Hong Kong, however, have to wait until March. 1.
  • Sir James Milne Wilson, 8th Premier of Tasmania, was born on Leap Day and died on Leap Day. Other "famous" Leap Day babies: Ja Rule, Antonio Sabato, Jr., and Dinah Shore.
  • And, as of last week's 30 Rock episode (the first good one of the season, as far as I'm concerned), I think that we need to start celebrating Leap Day as suggested by Tina Fey and crew: dress up like Leap Day William, poke people in the eye for not wearing blue and yellow, and trade candy for children's tears. Got it? Good, now go make Leap Day William proud!
And here's a necklace that I think celebrates the whole Leap Day-Irish-Proposal thing. Plus, it will be a great necklace to have for St. Patty's Day:) 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


So, I hate talking on the phone. I hate it. I really, really hate it. I will try every single other form of communication before talking on the phone....and this is coming from someone that has spent years as a receptionist, answering phones and working switchboards. Of course, one could argue that's why I hate talking on the phone.

I now have an Iphone and I love everything about it- except for the actual phone. If you are trying to get in touch with me, I will text, email, facebook, tweet, telegraph, snail mail, or skywrite you before I actually return your call. And if I do call you, I will keep it short. Awkwardly short.

That being said, I do appreciate the importance of the phone. Who doesn't? The telephone has been a major innovation and now necessity of life. Without a telephones, how would our lives be momentarily and annoyingly disrupted by someone else's selfish need to talk to us at that very moment? I'm kidding, of course. Kind of.

So, here's the 411 on phones:

  • Alexander Graham Bell thought that phones should be answered with "Ahoy-hoy" instead of "Hello." This is why The Simpsons' Mr. Burns answers the phone this way, to indicate that we was contemporaries with Alexander Graham Bell and therefore very old. Also, I just realized that when you explain and analyze a joke, it is instantly no longer funny.
  • Mark Twain was one of the first people to have a telephone in his own home. Hmmm, guess someone thought pretty highly of himself:)
  • The first "long distance" phone service was from New York to Chicago. This required over 800 miles of open wire. 
  • While it may seem that everyone has a telephone, in actuality, one-third of the world's population has never used a telephone. Lucky bastards.
  • The automatic switchboard was inspired by an undertaker. Let me explain: see, in Kansas City, Undertaker A suspected rival Undertaker B of getting more business than him because Undertaker B's wife worked as a switchboard operator. It turns out, Undertaker B's wife was diverting all the business calls to her hubby. So, Undertaker A pushed for an automatic switchboard system. Thanks, Undertaker A!
  • The first telephone operators used to be men, but they were prone to prank calls and "chatting up ladies" instead of doing their jobs, so women replaced men in this occupation. Of course, pranks and sexual harassment still goes on in Congress....I'm thinking that women should replace all the men there as well.
  • The fictional prefix 555 was actually suggested by American phone companies to be used by film and television producers, so that real telephone numbers weren't accidentally used. However, this eventually backfired when a Gary Larsen cartoon used the prefix 555 for Satan's phone number; the cartoon was reprinted in Australia where 555 is a real prefix. Oops.
  • Phone booths are becoming a thing of the past. Now, they are being replaces by multi-purpose kiosks with computer/internet capabilities. Which makes sense. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a phone booth?...other than when Comedy Central reruns Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Well, even if you are an anti-phonite like me, you will probably still appreciate this necklace. Plus, it's the featured sale item of the day. It was $46, but now it's $38, for today, 2/22/12 only.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Edge of Seventeen

So, today is the day after Valentine's day. Some of you spent the day in a heart-filled wonderland, others did the whole anti-Valentine's day thing, and yet others, like me, were completely ambivalent to the day. It's not that I dislike Valentine's Day, but the thing is- my husband works out of town during the week, so unless Valentine's Day happens to fall on a weekend, then we really don't celebrate it. Plus, we've been married for 7 years....Valentine's Day is for those in the honeymoon stage still. However, I will be out shopping for discounted chocolates today. Happy Valentine's Day to me:)

But, I really do like the imagery of Valentine's Day. And I LOVE vintage valentines.  And- bear with me, there's a point coming up- a lot of vintage valentines use dove images.

And why not talk about doves? For those of you who are still filled with anti-Valentine's Day rage (and/or hangovers) this will be a calming image for you to focus on.

  • Doves and pigeons? Same thing? Well, in a word, yes. Doves and pigeons are in the same family of Columbidae. And essentially, doves are the smaller variety, pigeons are the larger ones. The common pigeon, aka city rat, is actually a Rock Dove.
  • And to blow your mind further, the typical doves that are released at weddings are usually white Carrier Pigeons....but saying that you are going to release 100 white Carrier Pigeons just doesn't have the same panache, does it?
  • But, White Doves ARE used in magic tricks, mainly because they are smart and not afraid to be in boxes or covered up with a cloth...But I would argue that not being afraid to be put in a box or covered up is the opposite of being smart.
  • Doves, unlike reality stars, are monogamous, which is why they are used on many valentines.
  • The Dove cleansing bar was originally formulated in the 1950's to help treat burn victims. This didn't really bring in the sales that the company wanted, so in the 1970's the company reformulated it and called the product the Dove Beauty Bar. The rest is history.
  • Edge of Seventeen (aka Just Like the White Winged Dove) was written by Stevie Nicks as an expression of mourning over the death of her uncle Jonathan and the murder of John Lennon; both occurred in the same week.
Speaking of doves, here's a necklace. And it's on sale today only. Was $48, now only $40. For 2/15/12,  only What a bargain!

Thursday, February 9, 2012


There are a few things that you can say in this country that will get you branded as a communist right away. Here's two  of them: 1. "I don't watch/like football" and 2. "I don't have a dog." I will address the later, as I don't have nearly enough time to explain and justify my views on the former.

The dog thing. Just because I happen to be a parent to a cat, doesn't mean that I don't like dogs. I think dogs are quite wonderful. I just don't have a dog. And the main reason I don't have a dog is because I'm incredibly lazy. I love my cat and consider myself a wonderful cat guardian (I think that's what we are supposed to call ourselves), but I really don't have the gumption to commit to walking, bathing, and playing with a dog on a regular schedule. Some great things about cats: they poop in a box, they are- for the most part- self-grooming, and they kind of make their own between naps, of course. This is not to say that I don't over-mother my cat and lavish her with attention, because I definitely do. I just don't have to follow her around outside with a plastic baggie like some sort of strange butler, waiting for her to poop. And for me, that's rad.

But, back to my point. Just because I chose a cat over a dog doesn't mean that I don't like dogs. And, for the record, I hate the terms "Cat People" and "Dog People." Anytime someone says "I'm just not a cat person" what that really means is "I have never successfully won over the attention of a cat, and therefore I take that as rejection and now I'm going to self-preserve my ego by stating that I'm not into cats even though I secretly would love to experience a cat purring in my lap." Wait, was that a little judgmental? Well, what do you expect from a "cat person?"

But, to show complete bipartisanship, I'm gonna blog about dogs today. More specifically, puppies!

  • Did you know that chihuahua puppies are born with a soft spot on their heads, just like human babies? 
  • This should go without saying, but puppies can not eat cat food. And neither should humans...I'm talking to you, Lady Who Eats Cat Food on the show My Strange Addiction.
  • Dogs only listen to the first syllable of their name. So, when you are training a puppy, either just name him/her a monosyllabic namer or shorten it when you call them. So much for the classic name, Fido... 
  • The Labrador Retriever is the most popular dog breed in the US, Canada, and UK. But, you should ALWAYS adopt your puppy from an animal rescue center. Never from a puppy mill. Rescue animals are the best. Of course, that's just my beliefs...but they are right:)
  • Puppies are born blind, deaf and toothless.
  • A puppy spends about 14 hours a day sleeping. Just like a college student.
  • This isn't really a puppy fact, but 2 dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic. If that doesn't make you smile today, then I don't know what can.
And here's a necklace for you. And you can pretend that it is of the 2 surviving Titanic dogs. It's not, but I won't tell if you won't....

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Because I Could Not Blog For Death, He Kindly Blogged for Me

Happy Groundhog's Day! Apparently, good old Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of winter. Only, I really don't understand how anyone knows if he "sees" his shadow. Honestly, I don't really understand the whole Groundhog's Day thing in the first place. I guess I could do my research on it, but I'm just not that interested. Or, I guess I could watch the movie Groundhog's Day, but that would involve me enduring the annoying, whining acting style of Andie McDowel....and I just don't want to put myself through that. No one should. Haven't we all suffered enough?

As you have  probably surmised, I am not going to blog about Groundhog's Day. Instead, I'm going to blog about Emily Dickinson. I have absolutely no clever transition or segue into this topic, so I'm just going to act like a global warming denier and skip any sort of logical explanation whatsoever.

If you are an Emily Dickinson fan, then you probably know most facts about her life. If you are not, you still probably know most facts about her life. Abridged version: Born to a prominent family in Amherst, Mass. Had a pleasant dad and a bitchy mom. She was wicked smart. Became obsessed with death. Spent the later years of her life in psuedo-seclusion. Gained notoriety posthumously.

That being said, here's some "fun facts" about Emily Dickinson. (reader note, when you type "fun facts about Emily Dickinson" into google, google laughs at you.)

  • Even though she had a thing for death and wrote about it quite frequently, she did not dress like the goth icon you would think she is. Instead, she wore mainly white. In fact, in her later years, she was notorious for wearing ONLY white clothing.
  • Only 11 poems were published during her lifetime.
  • Many think of her as a spinster, yet it is rumored that she actually had several affairs; even one with a minister and possibly a lesbian affair....not bad for a recluse.
  • During her lifetime, she was known as the "Myth of Amherst," due to her seclusion and pension for only wearing white. However, after her death and subsequent fame, she became known as the "Belle of Amherst." The public can be so fickle.
  • It was Emily's sister, Lavinia, who found her poems after her death in 1886 and pushed to have them published. It took a while, though, because Lavinia decided to solicit them to both her brother's wife AND mistress. Obviously, the two couldn't work together very well...
  • She wrote nearly 1800 poems. She was a busy little agoraphobe.
  • Guess what? She didn't just write about death and sadness. She also wrote about botany. AND she made cartoons and created funny, sarcastic Valentines. 
So, I can't think of a better Valentine or Anti-Valentine than an Emily Dickinson necklace, can you? And, it just so happens to be on sale today, 2/2/12. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I've Got an Eye on You

My favorite doctor is my eye doctor. I think that I like him because he makes me feel like every answer I give is correct; even if I'm clearly blind as a bat. I like people who humor me. Also, his name is Pierre. I like that as well. You don't meet very many people named Pierre in Colorado Springs, CO.

If only I could find a dentist that I felt the same about; but that's a different blog all together.

Back on point: They are the "windows to the soul," if they are Irish, "they smile," and Bette Davis had such great ones, someone wrote a song about them...Eyes!

  • Guess what? Your mom was wrong; sitting too close to the television WILL NOT damage your eyes. Studies actually show that kids can focus up close without eyestrain better than adults. However, sitting too close to the television while watching the show Kendra, WILL damage your brain.
  • Your eye blinks about 27,397 times a day. Put that little fact in your back pocket for the next time someone calls you lazy.
  • The number one cause of blindness in America is diabetes. I have absolutely nothing snarky to say about this.
  • Sailors used to think that wearing a gold earring would improve their eyesight. Sailors also thought that manatees were mermaids, so you see how well that little theory held up.
  • In general, people read from a computer screen 25% slower than from paper... don't worry, I'll wait for you to catch up.
  • You know how your nose gets all runny when you are crying? Well, that's because your tears are draining into your nasal cavity. I bet you did not know that. And if you did, you either have medical training or you read the same useless information on the web that I do.
  • The space between your eyebrows, right above the bridge of the nose,  is called the Glabella. Mark my words: some stupid celebrity couple is going to name their kid Glabella in 2012. 
How'd you like this blog? Did I blind you with knowledge?! Want a commemorative belt buckle to remind you of the day you read this amazing blog? Well, here you go..... (oh, and it's on sale for today, 1/26/12, only).