Thursday, July 14, 2011

Joan of Arc: Badass.

Hey, guess what? Today is Bastille Day. That being said, I think it's appropriate that I continue this Francophile blog stream that I started yesterday with Madame de Pompadour.

And who better to talk about than Joan of Arc, a national and patron saint of France.

Here's the deal; Joan of Arc was pretty much a badass. She was like Samuel Jackson, Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan combined. And she was only a teenager.  So here are the facts:

  • Her real name was Jehanne d'Arc, but through the years her name has been bastardized into the English, Joan of Arc.
  • Legend has it that Merlin predicted that France would be saved by a maid from Lorraine. Hey, Joan was from Lorraine...
  • She was around 12-13 when she first started hearing voices from the saints instructing her to save France. When I was 12-13 I heard the voice of Tiffany telling me to feather my hair.
  • The voices told her that she needed to leave home to save France from the invading England. So guess what? At the age of 16, she set out to meet with King Charles VII to convince him to let her fight in the war. Want to know what I was doing at the age of 16? Drinking stolen wine coolers and listening to the Beastie Boys.  So glad I've matured. I pay for my wine coolers now.
  • France was down and out at this point, so King Charles agreed to let her fight. 
  • But, before she could fight, the King had to make sure she was "pure." Yeah. She was physically examined by the ladies of his court to prove she was a virgin. Charming.
  • At the age of 17 she was commanding a part of the French army. Yep. At the age of 17 I was commanding a joint full of shitty weed.
  • Joan broke the siege of Orleans in only 3 days. Thus, she earned the title "The Maid of Orleans."
  • Joan continued to lead the French army in several victories, but is ultimately captured by the English in 1430. 
  • The English held her in 70ft tower, which she attempted to escape by jumping out of. But, they caught her again.
  • At the age of 19 she was tried by the English for heresy and sentenced to death in May of 1431. At the age of 19, I was tried by keg stand in college and sentenced to a hangover.
  • But, good news: she was canonized as a saint in 1920. So, there's that.
Well, I think it's safe to say that Joan of Arc did more in her short 19 years of life than I ever did in my 34 (and still counting, fingers crossed) years....but, I'm guessing that I drank more alcohol than she did. But, I don't think I'll get canonized for that.
Are you as impressed with Joan of Arc as I am? Want a necklace? Here you go:
Happy Bastille Day! Use coupon code BLOG15 for 15% off.

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